Ah the wonderful world of madness!
A while back a lovely friend gave me a copy of Dalai Lama’s The Way to Freedom to read. The closest I have come to Buddhism prior to the book is my wild fantasy & total understanding that I was in fact a lion in a previous life (childhood in Africa & love of the mane…and slight delusions of grandeur!)…and if I get reincarnated I will undoubtedly return as a flower…no doubt to promptly get picked & then squished in a flower press & forgotten for weeks on end, by some pretty little person such as my daughter who can think of nothing better than buying a huge bunch of flowers at the supermarket just to press the lot of them 5 minutes later!
I dip in & out of said book when I am feeling blue…or grouchy (extremely rarely honest!)…or just when I need to put the rotten crap into perspective. I don’t hum….yet……I haven’t taken to sitting like a Budda….although I am flexible & can give it a good go!
The point of books like that for me is to de-clutter the jumble in my head. I have been manic. Headless chicken seems the best description. The zen time for my head is bizarrely when I am running where now…because we have “upped the anti” so to speak I can no longer run and natter constantly….I actually have to think about stuff like breathing at the right time & pacing myself…so my head is a little quieter.
Only a little….most of the time my head shouts out loud at me with brilliant madness “mmmm that house smells of curry, I fancy curry tonight!”….”and ice cream”….”oh watch that branch…careful…owch..freaking nettles!”…..”I hope she is wearing sun tan lotion…should I ask her..no probably better not”….”dog poo really…again?!”……”how come I can smell gas we are in a field”….”oh…she has nice trousers, I must google running trousers”….”and jeans…I want some new jeans”….”another hill, they said it was flat running tonight!”….”I must email X about the Melanoma drug they put a link up about”….and often… “holy f*%k who’s idea was this!”
So it’s finding the happy balance in my head between my manic busy life and daily juggle and switching off the Melanoma monster.
The Monster that sits in my head all the time.
I am in very good health…I think…..I should be – after all I am about to run a 10k in 1 week’s time.
But I know only too well that whilst I look un-affected on the outside & feel well, there could quite easily be a world of trouble growing & brewing inside waiting for me to slow my pace…waiting for me to pick up a bug so that my immune system fights something else instead & then BAMMM!
The worst thing about having Melanoma – no matter what stage you have…is the uncertainty, the constant gnawing feeling inside…the paranoia & panic at the slightest twinge, unusual mole, sore throat, headache, achy hip….struggle for breathe when running uphill on a training run for a 10k…
…Seems normal….any sane person would think…Yes I am out of breathe more when I run because we are running further and faster than we have been before…but not me….I wake at night worrying that that tiny 1mm nodule in my lung found at the last CT scan wasn’t a normal blob like we all have blobs and bits….but instead it was the start of something worse….my head plays tricks on me.
I think all of this “busy head” stuff is because I am at a milestone mark…1 week until a massive physical challenge (something I would never have thought I was capable of!)…and 10 days off an anniversary….1 year since I heard those dreaded words “I am afraid you have Melanoma & it isn’t looking good”. I have a diary full of upcoming “stuff” like surgery for moles…more colon surgery & a CT scan…a scan where I get to know what is going on under the healthy exterior.
I read or run to try and put it all into context….to shelve what needs to be shelved…but every now & then I need to take bigger steps away from the routine to shake things up….happy things that aren’t part of every day life.
So last weekend The Mr, The little people, and I had fun in London with my Aunt & cousin. We enjoyed the simple pleasures of scooting around London streets past bedtime, skinny dipping in open pools at the park & taking in the delights of Kew Gardens.
And later this week squeezed in between 1 training run & the actual 10K on Monday 9th I will be flying off to France to visit my family & meet my nephew for the first time…cuddles, wine & a rest.
…sort of a rest…I will take my trainers with me!