I have been struggling to shift a cough & cold, “feeling under the weather” is, psychologically, really very hard for me at the moment. It’s as though I think I can be everything – all the time….the woman who works full time, has Melanoma, writes a blog, takes on various “projects”, is a Mummy, a wife and cleans the house (with the exception of a few super persistent cobwebs!)….until I have a cold….and then the cold mixes itself up with my now fragile immune system and suddenly – thump – I feel slightly jaded….thwarted in my quest for superhuman prowess.
I have been taking on projects left, right & centre – Melanoma projects. Great Big fancy pants plans of projects. Time consuming, all consuming, draws on my time…my energy…my head space.
Even a momentary glace at a cold would affect the delicate balancing act that is my life…..so it toppled….suddenly everything I had started doing became utterly insurmountable. Working desperately to put projects and ideas together (knowing they are right – knowing how vital & important they are)….but not always being met with the enthusiasm, support or encouragement I want – right at that very second. The me with the cold…the tickly cough that was keeping me awake all night…that me…felt bruised & dented….by it all.
That’s not me. I am perseverant to the point of stalking….I am occasionally over-effusive….demanding of perfection…..at least I am now….because I can be everything all at the same time & still smile – I expect the same impossible, unnatural, freakish behaviour from everyone around me. I need to control everything….because I can’t control the one thing I want to control…Melanoma.
The cold had to go…there is no space in my world for a poorly me……so I called my local GP’s and said I need a flu vaccination. They asked if I had received a letter offering me a jab….No…but I had one last year and I know I am going to receive a letter again this year….am I sure?….yes….I have Cancer.
The words had tumbled out my mouth before I had even realised I said them. I don’t refer to my “thing” as Cancer – It’s Melanoma. We don’t use the word cancer around the house because the little people would get frightened unnecessarily. Thing is, I don’t think of myself as “having cancer”…mainly because I am fit, well….and a stubborn cow who refuses to acknowledge anything that might hint at me not being totally able to take on anything that gets thrown at me….
But I do have Cancer and I am aware only too well of how significantly Melanoma has impacted upon my life.
When you find out you have Cancer you sort of loose a bit of yourself….whether it is your femininity and you feel like you sort of blend into the background, or you have this “don’t go near her she has cancer & it might be contagious” thing going on. The people that you relate to the most also have Cancer – like a shared empathy that only we can understand. Our exclusive club “death being the gold reward”!
We are coming towards the end of this year…I kid you not, apparently Christmas is like 12 weeks away!!!…and this year I have done things I never thought I would do pre-Melanoma let alone when living with a Cancer diagnosis …..but now there is this sort of empty pit.
I am envious in a competitive…itch that needs scratching type of way….maybe it is envy of the physical challenges other people are about to undertake.
I was talking to a support friend the other day and she had just had her 3 month appointment….and was given the all clear…but she felt low….why!? I could relate…I am the same…whether the appointments are scans…or skin checks…I come out feeling on a high…even if the appointment has resulted in a minor surgical procedure – something has happened. I update my blog and tell you the tales of my entertainment…but the next day there is this void…..I have spent days, weeks, preparing for the appointment – hoping they would say nothing / give the all clear….but simultaneously preparing a little part of me for the opposite…I should be on that high for days. But at the moment for me the worst bit about the all-consuming nature of worry and apprehension is the calm afterwards….the eerie silence…where you almost feel as though you have forgotten to do something really important…like wake up from that dream you were in that moment The Surgeon said “ok you are fine see you in 6 months!
So there I am….feeling a bit low, because the ridiculous pesky cold is making me feel less able to do everything all at the same time…and I am having to convince people that projects I am working on are worthy and potentially brilliant instead of them instantaneously embracing every aspect of my master plan …when up on a news feed appears …..
“Who fancies taking part in a sponsored walk up Kilimanjaro?”…now I grew up in the shadow of this amazing mountain & it has long been a dream to take on that challenge…so of course I popped my little response of “I am interested…I would love to cross it off my bucket list”
In all honesty though…..I don’t have the time to take on challenge like that…..I want to…but I am only just about able to manage to do everything I am already working on.
But then….some random…some person I have never met asked the friend who started up the conversation if they should, perhaps “point out the masculinity of the challenge!” I looked again….I was the only female that had replied. Do I assume they are insanely funny in a Neanderthal type of way…or do I instead adjust to the fact that my gender would apparently disqualify me from an ability to climb a mountain like that?
A) if Cheryl whatevershecallsherselfnow can do it…so can I.
B) I could probably run faster / climb a bigger mountain than that said random now probably could.
I am not a flag flying feminist – I like having doors opened for me (it’s common courtesy – I open doors for men too!)…and I certainly don’t mind when a man gets that rubber neck thing to look twice at a pretty girl (it’s when he is like 50 and she is 15 that it gets a bit creepy!)
To be told I can’t do something…rattles me…..it isn’t about how masculine a task is….but instead more of my continued need to control the Melanoma…..
I get it – I don’t need to take on another massive project….I need to accept that some of my bonkers ideas can be scaled down……slightly…If they are smaller mountains to climb then perhaps they won’t feel quite so insurmountable for this weak…cold & cough ridden…Cancer fighting female.
But oh my goodness that bait was tempting!