It’s been a whole entire month since my last blog post.
A whole month.…exactly….to the day, since I had my “annual CT scan”. That is a long time….
On one hand that’s another 30 days on this planet without incidence (yey me!)…but really…that was a little like torture.
I appreciate these things fall into diaries & schedules…but the letter for the meeting with Oncology came first – the meeting to review the CT would be Thursday 20th August…..so when the CT scan letter came through a week or so afterwards to advise that the date for that, was going to be the 20th of July I didn’t really register that I would be “waiting” for a whole month for results.
And why is that?
I know it is morbid….and wrong…and misguided & all of those things….but I genuinely believed my run of good luck was over…I was expecting to get a call to say sorry we have found X or Y.
I wasn’t sleeping well.
Concentration was shady at best…although if you ask The Mr that isn’t that “new”.
We discussed the how’s & what if’s & he asked if I was worried…to which of course I brushed off with “no”….I explained my logic that the scan results wouldn’t get to Oncology for 6 days….then even if it was bad they wouldn’t discuss it until they held the next Multi-Disciplinary meeting where they review patients results, care etc. These happen on a Thursday – so I wouldn’t hear a peep until Thursday afternoon or Friday the week after the scan.
We had a holiday booked for the week afterwards…a week in France to visit my parents…which wasn’t planned this way but would be a welcome distraction…so I started to fret that what if it WAS bad & they needed to act immediately…how would I break it to the Little People that we would need to cancel the holiday.
Have you grasped the paranoia yet?
I had a birthday….I am older….. I had a really lovely birthday & I didn’t feel like I was wrong to expect another, because the birthday was on Monday before the holiday & I hadn’t heard….not hearing was good….right?
In theory I “could” call the department and ask if the results were ok….but let’s be honest…if for whatever reason they said, no we can’t give you the results, I would have potentially somewhat fallen apart.
Everyone kept asking “results yet”…”No”…”I’m not worried”….
And then somehow, during our week on holiday, relaxing, I stopped worrying. I hadn’t heard. There is no reason I should have – I feel great…I run…I eat all that stoopid green & red & orange stuff called vegetables ALL the freaking time….I drink green tea (mint is my current favourite!)…I take supplements…I use SPF…I check my lymph nodes.
I am so good I should be given sainthood. I think I might be finding myself boring…so I am going to drink more contraband & eat more chocolate & ice-cream …. I digress…The results.
Into the consultation room walks Dr Nick Coupe & a lady registrar…..wtf???….a companion…does he need moral support? Is it that bad???
He starts up small talk…it’s been a while since I saw you/the Brim8 Trial/and you have had colon stuff….he sort of chucks the “CT scan was good” in there with a smile & gets pounced on immediately with “you could have led with that”….it was sort of….bizarre….
When we left The Mr said it was like randomly bumping into an ex boyfriend (?)…when the last time you met them the circumstances felt somewhat compromising…refer back to blog post “Invasion Day” to understand my squirm..
We discussed the next CT Scan…which is clearly going to be a subject of debate & negotiation. I stripped to my undies (matching & not of the thong variety), had a skin check and left feeling really very pleased with myself.
Dr Nick said that I should feel pleased with myself….2 years NED…I am blessed and graced with more time. I think Dr Nick is a very nice man…he needs to eat something & is looking a lot skinnier than I remember so I would ask anyone in Oxford reading this to get the man a biscuit….but otherwise he seemed genuinely pleased for me…for us…for the fact that no matter how bad it seemed at the beginning & no matter what lies ahead, today I am very well indeed….I can breathe again!